EXT/INT./OUTSIDE OF PRISON (MAIN SQUARE)/PRISON (JAIL CELL)
Ali waiting for Mario to be released out of prison outside the main square.
Mario's figure comes out of prison 5foot tall, scar on his face wearing a purple top with blue jeans he was holding a black sports bag in his hand. he looks around and walks towards Ali's car and gets in.
Ali: Yo Mario long time no see,You have changed a lot man.
Mario: Ali man how is it going is the streets still talking.
Ali: I am good man i have done a lot since you have gone man.
Ali: How was the tuff four years in prison man ?.
Mario: Not Good man I got attacked twice in that shit hole.
Ali pulls off and drives to his house 1mile away.
INT./ Ali's house / Night
Ali: Catch you tomorrow Man !
Mario: Safe Bro .
Mario And Ali are on there beds and fall asleep.
INT. / Ali's house /10am Morning.
Ali And Mario Are Sleep on there beds.
Ali: I have got a you a job one of my mates will sort you out, Mario lets go.
Mario: Huh What.
Ali: I said i got you a job you lazy fucker !
Mario: Yes Man Lets go ! .
EXT / INT./ Mario House (Main room)/Outside(Mario Car)
Ali : You drive Mario you need to get back behind the wheel .
Ali throws the keys to Mario .
Mario: Lets go
INT. / Mario's Work place/.
Ali: Yo my name is Ali what is your name?.
Kam : My name is Kam
Kam: So you the new Kid around here .
Mario : Yes i am man .
Kam: Boss told me to tell you finish packing up and you can go home .
INT./ MARIO'S WORK PLACE / NIGHT / (WALKING TO ALI'S HOUSE)
Mario Goes into Ali's house
Mario : You Ali you home .
Ali: Yes man i am upstairs !
Ali : Mario come i got to talk to you about something .
Mario: Coming man.
Ali : We have one shot 2million cash no risk just like the old times man.
Mario : Im not sure man i don't want another 4 years on my record .
Ali: Ok give ill give you some time to think about it.
EXT / OUTSIDE COVENTRY BANK /MORNING.
Ali: Today we will investigate so there ain't no risk on the day.
Mario : let me take some pictures .
Mario Come on over work here is done .
Ali : So tomorrow just like old times .
Ali drives back to his house with mario to plan the robbery
INT./NIGHT /(Mario house)
ALI: Tomorrow we rob the place .
Mario : Yeah man cant wait for it .
INT/EXT/ ALI'S HOUSE / MORNING /(BANK)
Mario and ali get there Guns ready and big black Bags
Mario : Go Go Go Go Go !
Ali : Go down into the vault and plant the C4
Mario : Planted it .
Ali : Let me gather the hostages up and i will be down there.
Bang ! the door blows off of its hinges Mario and Ali head down to the vault
Ali : Quick load up the bags as much as you can put in.
Mario : Yeah quickly Go go.
Mario and ali start loading black sport bags .
Ali : Finished loaded.
Mario : Loaded
Mario and Ali run towards the back where the get away car is parked .
Ali: You drive
Mario: OK.
Mario and ali get back at ali's house.
Ali : Ok bro see you in a couple of years if we are still alive.
Mario : Ok bro
Mario And Ali split up the money and leave the countries . 2 years later mario and Ali meet up after the bank robbery.
Ali: Well well Look who it is my old time mate still alive.
Mario Bro whats going on man long time .
Ali : Hows life kid whats up.
Mario: Nothing much Man .
Ali : Lets go for drive lets catch up with each other after a long time
Mario and ali go for a drive in his car
END
A really good start here zak, a plot that makes sense and some good dialogue, but you need to add a lot of stage directions and description to your scenes. I have added some scene-by-scene notes for you.
ReplyDeleteEXT/INT./OUTSIDE OF PRISON (MAIN SQUARE)/PRISON (JAIL CELL)
Good description of Mario, you need to describe Ali's appearance as well.
Some nice dialogue but you still need to add stage directions as I wrote for your last draft.
INT./ Ali's house / Night
See my notes for the last draft here, the same things need to be worked on. There is a little more detail but not enough to be clear.
INT. / Ali's house /10am Morning.
Watch out for adding capital letters in the middle of sentences.
They still don't wake up! You need to add some stage directions or this scene will be difficult to film.
EXT / INT./ Mario House (Main room)/Outside(Mario Car)
This scene still needs a description of the location, what is happening at the start of the scene, and stage directions throughout.
INT. / Mario's Work place/.
The dialogue is good but you need to write a description of the location and of the appearance of your new character in this scene.
INT./ MARIO'S WORK PLACE / NIGHT / (WALKING TO ALI'S HOUSE)
If your character goes into Ali's house, then the location of your scene heading has to be INT. ALI'S HOUSE. NIGHT.
You still need to add the description of your scene and stage directions.
EXT / OUTSIDE COVENTRY BANK /MORNING.
See my notes from the last scene. Your dialogue is good but you need to write what your characters are doing as well as what they are saying.
INT./NIGHT /(Mario house)
This scene is very brief; what could you add to it to make it more entertaining?
INT/EXT/ ALI'S HOUSE / MORNING /(BANK)
Stage directions are vital here; there seems to be a lot of action in this scene but I can only just work it out because you have only included dialogue.
The vault is a new location so needs to be a separate scene.
You also need to add a new location when your characters exit the vault, and again when they leave the bank to get to the getaway car.
There is another scene again when the characters arrive at the house. Your attention to detail has slipped a bit towards the end Zak, so some rewriting is needed at this stage.
You need another scene again when Ali and Mario meet up again, perhaps with a caption saying that it is two years later.
They will probably be wearing different clothes too as it is two years later, so you need to think about what they look like now.